Nighttime blabbering 800 – Special

For this occasion, I am giving you an exclusive view of the beginning of the novel I am currently writing. Take this as a test, a trial where you give me opinions and impressions on what I wrote. I could use advice, critique, or something to get my direction and see my mistakes. I hope you’ll be honest and objective about this, so here we go.

Naked women fall from the sky

Mothers with children, teenagers, and the occasional stray dog ​​passed along the marble promenade. Street lamps, yellow and blue, illuminated the part of the park around the Turkish bath. Deep in the darkness under the treetops, someone on the bench plucked the strings of a guitar. Various rhythms of summer hits played from the surrounding cafes and bars. The hot June night was filled with the scent of linden trees.

That ordinary night in Sokobanja was alarmed by the breakage in the cafe “Seventeen” when the metal pillars of the garden roof collapsed, and the construction fell on the table where a guy and a girl were sitting. Only a few on the promenade stopped to glance at the window behind which customers and waiters ran to help the wounded. A strong crack of branches was heard above the nearby park, followed by screams in the darkness. The tourists whispered, wondering where the noise was coming from. Finally, the young man rushed out of the bar, showing passers-by away, widened his eyes, and shouted, “Call the police.” Another dull thump broke through; this time, something landed on the car’s roof at the end of the park. A shrill of an alarm echoed through the trees, disturbing the darkness. Blinkers flicked at the park’s edge like fireflies that drifted across the park’s width.

Screams from the promenade followed a stampede of panicked steps away from the crash site. Something then fell through the roof of a boutique on the other side of the park, closer to the farmer’s market. A line of unusual shots seemed to cut the promenade down the middle.

Two police officers rushed into the bar holding their caps, and stopped in front of the tables. One of them shouted with a heavy breath.

“What happened?” a faint red light bathed his face.

People stared at the naked body on the floor. Another officer leaned forward, squinting to see what was lying hidden by the customer’s legs. A pool of blood spread across the thin carpet. Between the fine shoes, the color of the skin broke through. The faces of the witnesses looked shocked, their grimaces monotonous, and their eyes glistening. Scratched, pale, with dusty clothes and blood pouring from their injuries, they ignored the pain and the roof parts standing next to their heads.

The first policeman pushed his way into the crowd with shouts and looked down, while the second called for reinforcements on the radio.

“Drake, what did you find?” he called out to his colleague. “Drake, man, what did you find?… Drake!” he stared in shock at his colleague, whose facial expression changed to that of the witness.

“She’s… so… beautiful,” his eyelids widened at seeing a nude woman’s body radiate in a white glow underneath him.

To be continued…

So, this is the opening. As you can see, it’s mysterious enough to intrigue interest, and I am counting on that. The translation is a bit ruff because I am still working on this thing and don’t know when it will be ready for reading. So far, I am satisfied how it looks, and I am working on this as we speak. I also shared a piece in one of the writer’s groups I joined and got good advice on improving. Editing alone can make you blind to some mistakes, so it’s important to have good and honest friends that can point out shortcomings. I secretly hope to get the same treatments on my blog from my Commanders, Brothers, and Sisters in Quill.

4 thoughts on “Nighttime blabbering 800 – Special

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