Hit after hit was breaking me, a cluster of thoughts that gave me pain in stomach, numb fingers and cold sweat running down my head. I had a chill stroking my spine, my eyes speeding, hyperventilation, slow and shallow breaths, not enough oxygen.
It hurts, it hurts so much I can’t move, I just grind my teeth and pray for death. A month has passed in this hellish torture, my doctor says it’s a panic attack and gave me medication to battle that, but how do you battle yourself, how do you battle something inside of you? How do you win?
That morning I stood naked in my bathtub and let the water stream over my head. I saw it dripping from my hair onto my feet, barely warm water – washing my sorrow away. The corner of my bed, there is clothes near it, but I sit on the edge and look at the mirror.
– What an ugly face. – I think looking at the pale, almost sick looking person, bushy hair that is just wrong for anyone to own that, a suched in cheeks and black beard under the long face, blue pockets under a pair of grey lifeless eyes, – I am a trainwreck. – I tell myself and gasp out of strength, – I should stop thinking about her. – the second thought never brings comfort, but I still tell it even if the words lost its meaning.
I walk out, ready to move, follow her steps and finish what she had begun. People great me like a friend, all they see is the widest smile I had salvaged in case of emergency. A handshake, a tap on the back, a lovely smile offered to me. I will salvage that one for tomorrow. No inkling of what is deep inside.
Yeah, this was a bit dark. Not really a self reflection, but an interesting topic to work with. If you wanted more interesting stuff, look down.