Jim, Tony, Steve and Ana came to the long table and took a sit, laughing like it was nothing. I gave them a look that said “What is you problem?”, but they paid no attention to it. My mind was still there, in a battlewagon, on a flank position where fight came on to us. The sound of an explosion and bodies burning was still echoing in my ears, while the nose still drew the stench of gunpowder, when Ana gave me an elbow in the ribs to shake me off from the scenes of burning men, crying for help.
– Cheer up, soldier! – Ana laughed imitating our staff sergeant, but my grin pushed her back, – What’s wrong with you? Oh, don’t tell me. Did those “rockies” frighten you? Ha, ha, ha. My God, like it’s your first time. – she kept elbowing me with a smile, when Steve turned.
– Damn, son. That mine blew in your face, didn’t it? Don’t worry, it’s a shock. It will go away in time. – he tapped on my hand and I moved it to my chest as I leaned on it.
– It’s not that. – I said thinking about the battle, – I just… Do you guys… Forget it. – I waved off with my hand, but Ana caught it in the air.
– Wait. Tell us. What happened.
– Well, you went off to the first line and I stayed around vehicle, right. So the aliens came in hot onto the last truck and kicked it sky high. I kinda… froze. – my face fell sad, when Tony giggled covering his face.
– Was that the thing that bothers you? – Ana questioned with a wide smile, – You froze? Aww, look at our brave little soldier. Mmm, do you need your mommy to sleep with you tonight?
– Shut up. – I pushed her, – It’s not like that. I’m angry at myself for not doing the proper thing. Jack was burning in front of my eyes, for fuck sake! I watched his platoon running in flames, falling dead, then these giants came stomping them like a dog shit! You heartless bitch! You don’t know what is like. – I lashed out at her, when her face changed into a pissed off drill sergeant kinda one.
– I though you were dumb, but now I have a proof you are even dumber. We were in the same battle as you, sunshine. Guess what, we all got shaken up, but you don’t see us crying like little bitches, do you? We went as a mission said. Now pull yourself together and act like a man! Next time you attack me, I will defend, and I will bury you in the FUCKING ground! – she said leaving, but the guys stayed for a round of talk, letting me to lick my wounds.
I bit my lip, thinking. None of this made reason. None of the bullets flashed from my gun. None of them have shown any grief for the fallen ones. None of the “rocky faces” came down in the battle. I felt everything and nothing. None, was my state of mind.